A New Author's Journey

Women and communication…can’t have one without the other!

2011-03-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

I haven’t blogged in a really long time. Not because I haven’t wanted to, and not because I haven’t had a lot to share but because I’ve just been lazy with craving out time to do one of the things I enjoy the most: Write! But, last night a subject came to mind and I couldn’t rest without sharing this insight into a woman’s heart: Woman and communication…can’t have the one without the other!

Most experts note that women talk on average way more than men. Doesn’t mean that men don’t have anything to say just means that women say it more often. A woman builds her relationships on the ability to communicate. I would even go further to say that communication is a fundamental building block to the foundation of all of the relationships a woman has.

When a woman is mad at her man (or even friend) after the initial argument and if the problem lingers she stop speaking to them. She removes the most valuable thing to her from the relationship…communication: Woman call this quiet time the “silent treatment”. Funny thing is for most men the silent treatment means “peace and quiet”. Some men are happy that the arguing has stopped even if the problem hasn’t been solved. Those that aren’t observers in their relationship may not even notice the silence and or bask in the opportunity to be left alone. But, they will notice the absence of sex. If they didn’t notice the silence or care that the silent treatment had been enacted they will notice that the sex has been removed. To some that is the 1st sign that “Houston we (still) have a problem”. Here’s a tip: For women sex and communication are interrelated! Sex to a woman is a form of communication...can't have one without the other.

If the foundation of communication is not strong a woman feel emotionally starved. For a woman in a relationship communication is a form of intimacy even when no words are being spoken. It’s the time you get to know each other and learn intimate details about the interworkings of the heart. I’ve found that you can never completely know a person because we are ever changing, which means there should always be something to talk about. The days should never all be the same (and if they are you need to spice them up…but that’s another blog).

In a relationship with good communication, partners look forward to speaking to each other even if the conversation is a tough one. Most couples with good communication skills have them because they trust each other with their transparencies. They believe they are playing on the same team and the benefits of working through the issues will benefit them as a whole and not just one party. No one ever walks away feeling like a loser. There may be sacrifice but only because it's best for the relationship. Good communicators also know that if a problem is not solved or an agreement met it will return…another day…same subject. Finally, wise communicators know that their ability to interact with each other easily and unselfishly benefits them in many areas of their relationship.

I mentioned early when a woman is starved of a strong communication foundation in her relationship other things begin to lag. Because communication is tied to intimacy the love life will eventually fall off. Why, because most women relate sex to bonding and connecting. Men you may be surprised to know that most women aren't holding out because she is retaliating. Sex is that unspoken form of communication. When verbal communication breaks down so does physical communciation. Love making to a women is the ability to please your partner without spoken words. For most women it is hard and in some cases literally impossible to have one with out the other. Women that have had the pleasure of knowing the full picture of the art of good communication through love making usually perfer not going back to the mere physical aspect of sex. Intimacy is deeper than sex and provides a level of fulfillment for both the physical, verbal and the spiritual being.

With that being said it would be advantageous to cultivate the communication in your relationships. A person (a male) once told me that relationships are like rose bushes. If you don’t cultivate the bush the thrones will choke (starve) the budding of beautiful flowers. Cultivation is communication. This is the same for diamonds. For a diamond to become a diamond it has to be pulled from the coal, put in the fire, the access is chipped away and then you have the finished product. But it doesn’t stop there even with a beautiful diamond to maintain it brilliance it has to be cleaned, polished and shined. Good relationships need maintenance as well. It should be a priority in any relationship that has meaning. Note I didn’t call it "work" because if you truly value a relationship it isn’t work at all it’s a labor of love. So open up the lines of communication in your relationships and see them flourish!

Self Worth

2010-03-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

I haven’t blogged in months. Outside of being busy and unmotivated to write I have no real excuses. But today as I was on my way to the lunch room I thought about my little girl. This morning when I finished getting her ready she looked in the mirror with the utmost approval and smiled. She knew she looked beautiful. As I walked to the lunch room I recalled when I was younger and I tried to remember had my mother ever looked at me and told me that I was beautiful, special or worthy? Many times she looked upon me with approval but honestly I can’t recall the words. I decided at that moment that I want my daugther to recall the words.

I think about our youth mainly our young women. I think about what they see on TV and in the magazines…what the world categorizes as beautiful. I think about young girls that I know who have little to no self confidence. Because they are lacking in this area the first male that pays them any attention they jump to please, satisfy and be anything he desires her to be (and in these days that boy can also be a girl…let’s be real). These leaps and bounds are all done in efforts to “feel” the confidence, love and approval that they don’t have within. These unsure girls grow up to be unsure women. These women become the woman in the relationship bending over backwards trying to please the man they are with all the while not being treated as the worthy woman they are….the daughters of the King.

I believe confidence starts when you are young, parent’s buiId this foundation. Most people see a cute baby and say how cute they are. But how often does that reinforcement occur into adolences and the teenage years? I am not saying we won’t go through that awkward period in life but instilling self love in is something that is so deep even if there is doubt you won’t waiver. You won’t look for that approval from someone else. The foundation blocks have been built and secure. It is important for our girls to know they are worth more than a dinner, or movie. Their bodies are prized possessions and should not be just giving to the first male that pays you a little attention. God sent his Son who gave his life for you. This says you are worth a lot more than a few dollars or a really good mack line. I think as parents we should take the time (especially in this day and age with so much technology) to instill in our girls their self worth. I want my daughter to look in the mirror when she is 16 and see her unique beauty as she did this morning at the age of four. I make it a point to say she is beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside. I tell her that her beauty is not just physical but also has to do with the way she treats others and allows herself to be treated. I don’t want her to compare herself to others so I make sure she knows that God created everyone and that he made us all different but beautiful in our own special way.

So parents never stop complimenting your children. Never stop encouraging them and investing in them. What you put in them will help to determine what they become in society when they are adults. I tell my husband to take our daughters out on dates because they should know how they should be treated. They should know even if you are a strong independent woman chivalry is not dead. Many individuals often say a young male child needs a male figure in their lives. That is very true but it is also true that a female child also needs a good strong male role model. They are learning from the relationships that their mother’s have with men. They are watching how you are being treated and will use those examples to pick their mates in the future. Boys are also watching, determining how they should treat their mates in the future. Some children are able to transcend their environment but it takes a STRONG individual to do that. For the most part we are a product of our environment.

Children are given to us as blessings. Innocent gifts that we help to mold into adults. They deserve the best shot at life that we can offer them. So as parents use the tools that you have to ensure that your little one becomes all he or she can be. Ensure that our girls and boys are proud and confident in who they are and who’s they are. Finally encourage, compliment and praise your children. Don’t let it stop because they grow up. Each nugget of praise is a building block to a well balanced child who will become a vital resource to their community!

“Soul Mates”?

2009-08-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

I am not sure about the men out there but I know with women we grow up watching fairytales. From Cinderella to Snow White to Rapunzel heck even in Shrek there was that one person who was created especially for the princess and they live happily ever after. These individuals were soul mates. When I think of soul mates I think of two individuals created especially for each other. I imagine God creating each individual - their future - their paths crossing at some undisclosed time and place. They’d meet – learn each other – and somehow figure out that they were meant for each other – Their paths would line up with God’s design and they would live happily ever after.

But is that really reality?

As human beings functioning in this world we do make choices and our choices aren’t always in line with God’s. With the divorce rate being over 50% there is a lot of bad choices going on in the relationship department. We aren’t perfect and in a relationship two imperfect people are being brought together, so ultimately there will be struggles.

So because there will be problems does that mean there is no such thing as soul mates?
For me “No”! I believe the difference between a relationship that is truly designed and fashioned by God (soul mates) and one that isn’t is that both parties are in the relationship for the long haul. Their main interest and concern is pleasing the other person and achieving the role God designed for that relationship. These individuals become students of one another seeking to master the subject (or die trying). Does this mean the individuals will never hurt one another? No! Does this mean there will never be problems? No. This only means that each individual has determined that there is no other person on this earth for them. They’ve declared and believe they are indeed soul mates.

I think the idea of soul mates begun with the creation of man and woman. God laid the man to sleep and took a rib from his side to fashion a woman. This woman, Eve was made especially for Adam. God knowing Adam very well knew exactly what he would like. Every little detail and feature I am sure was pleasing to Adams eye and heart. I believe God has this in mind for everyone he called to have relationships. Knowing His children very well he knows exactly what we need and desire. But even in the 1st man and woman relationship there were problems. Chaos came from beauty and from that point on trouble has been at the door steps of every marriage and relationship thereafter.

In relationships there will be problems. I don’t know anyone in a perfect relationship. I thought I did but I know now there is no such thing. What I have learned is that some people are meant to be together therefore they put in the work to maintain and cultivate the relationship.

Sometimes when problems develop thoughts of “whether or not you are with the person you are meant to be with” arise. This is not uncommon. I once heard a comedian say men and serial killers have one thing in common… “the one that got away”. Women also have this in common with men and serial killers. But when I honestly think about it: The ex’s and missed opportunities creep up into our memory/minds during the low periods in our relationship. The “what if’s” and “the possibilities” weave their way into our brains, planting seeds of doubt. Honestly those thoughts can be very shallow because hard times, trouble, problems and or issues have no limitations. Those thoughts are nothing more than a fantasy to escape your reality, if you truly believe you are with your soul mate.

Just because you meet and marry your soul mate doesn’t mean that troubles won’t knock at your door. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be things that come along that test your relationship to the point that you think it may break. Being with your soul mate doesn’t mean that life will be perfect or easy. It only means that when these things do arise you will have some one in your corner to battle through it with you (even if they are the one that caused the pain). There is an old Prince song that says “will you run to me even if the somebody that hurt you is me”. In a soul mate relationship you do because the relationship is priority. We all have deal breakers in relationships. That one thing that we think we can not take. But if you are with your soul mate and you know it then you find the strength and the energy to work through it. You want to work through. So if you know in your heart of hearts that there is no one else on this earth for you know that you are with your soul mate and during the bad times have faith in knowing that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.

Preserving a relationship…

2009-06-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

For many years people have been getting rich off self help books. Most of these books are geared towards woman because frankly women read and are always looking for something to help them improve upon themselves. Many books focus on helping women understand men and maybe even obtain a relationship and or marriage. Steve Harvey recently released a book that shot to the top of the New York Times Best Sellers list. This book was designed to help woman understand men and secure a relationship. The irony in this is as many of you may know currently the divorce rate is over 50% in the United States but guess who files for the majority of those divorces…Women! This interested me because if women wanted relationship why are they the ones filing for divorce once they get into a relationship? After pondering this for a few hours I figured it would be a good idea to write something for the men about maintaining and securing their relationship. By no means am I saying men are the reason for ALL divorces but something happens along the duration of the relationship that causes a woman to throw in the towel, even though most desire a meaningful relationship.

The transition into marriage isn’t easy for either person but may be less stressful for the man. I say this because most women marry with hopes of change (rather that be in the relationship or the man). Men for the most part pretty much understand what they are getting (although recently I've noticed that they too have their hopes of change).

Women are pretty much groomed for the caretaker role from birth. Most women watch their mother’s or women in their life as a guide on how their role should be in a marriage. What they learn from these women is usually imbedded in a woman’s mind as what to do or what not to do in a marriage. Based on these assumptions some women assume the role as the cook, the cleaner, the care taker for the children and or the husband and could also be the primary breadwinner. Taking on one or more of these roles (even all) can be tiring for some after a long period of time. In most households both individuals work outside of the home. Two incomes are needed, so the ability and or desire to wear the home hat with the career hat requires a lot of a woman. The stresses of wearing many hats can build up resentment if the signifcant other is not helping out.

So here are a few suggestions to help men maintain and keep the relationships with their significant others. Now before we get into this list please remember that these rules are the case for MOST but not ALL. I also want to state that there are many reasons women get divorce and all of them don’t have to do with the man they were married to. Finally, as I mentioned above men are not the blame for ALL marital break-ups so don’t get your feature ruffled. These tips can be used to preserve a good marriage, help fix a bad marriage or forewarn a person who isn’t married just how much work it takes to cultivate a successful marriage.

1. Make the women feel like she is number one. Don’t ever let anything take precedence over your wife outside of God. This means video game, friends, relatives, work or even extracurricular activities. A woman needs to feel like a queen. She needs to feel like she is appreciated. Her feelings need and should be considered and if they aren’t a man should acknowledge when this occurs and be quick to correct the error.

2. A man should take interest in the things his woman is interested in. This rule is twofold. If a couples lives two different lives without them ever crossing paths their worlds will surely grow apart.

3. A woman likes a man who can take charge because women like to feel protected. Women grow up watching fairytales such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty…so she wants that knight in shining armor relationship. Although we grow up and discover life is not a fairytale the desire to be protected and supported by the man that loves them never fades away.

4. Being that in most homes both individuals have to work (if you are lucky and don’t…Awesome) a woman wants a man that helps out around the house, do the manly duties… i.e. take out the trash, mow the lawn, take care of the cars etc. A man that takes pride in his home and the things he owns shows a woman that he is responsible. If the man doesn’t do these things himself he should make the arrangements to have them done by someone else.

5. Be an active father. There is nothing more attractive than a man who loves his children and has no quorums with showing his love for his children. It’s important to be at events, take an interest in their lives and activities, and interact with them at home, do activities with them alone without instruction from the wife.

6. Be spontaneous with the measures of romance, affection, and appreciation. Special occasions are not the only time to show affection to your wife. Gifts should not be the same old bouquet of flowers. No need for a special occasions make it a random occasion! Actions speak louder than words. The same consideration, time and effort you enjoy that comes from your wife should reciprocate the affection.

7. Men should also understand that women are drawn to strength and confidence. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a tough guy/thug but means a man should trust his wife enough to open up completely, be sensitive, be transparent. A husband should know (or want to learn) when to be what for his wife rather than be the tough guy in control, the shoulder to cry on or to open up when something bothers him…not hold it all in.

Put a little honey on it…

2009-05-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was Mother’s Day. All good mothers out there know and fully understand being a good mother is a tough job but one of the most fulfilling and rewarding jobs in the world. My Mother’s Day was one of the best that I’ve ever had, although it didn’t start out quite the way I wanted it to (the key words in that sentence are: “the way I WANTED it too”). I’ll explain what this has to do with honey further down in the blog.

For you bible scholars, the bible mentions honey about 61 times. The Promise Land was described as being full of milk and honey. God words are also described as being like sweet honey and finally in the Songs of Solomon it talks about a woman and her words being like honey. After reading this I thought this honey must be some great stuff and as the saying goes: You catch more flies with honey… so I did a little research. Honey is smooth, naturally sweet and very fragrant. Honey is versatile it takes on the flavor of its environment. Whatever trees and /or flowers in the area that the bees feed on will flavor the honey with its essence. In biblical days honey was a commodity. Only the rich or well off had access to this priceless gift. Honey also is good for medicinal reasons such as allergies, antioxidants and vitamins. On the opposite spectrum, vinegar is bitter and although it adds flavor it’s taste can be very sour. Vinegar is often counter balanced with honey to add a sweet and sour taste to certain dishes. In order to taste sweet, vinegar has to age more than 8 years. The older vinegar gets the texture changes from flowing like water to being thick and syrupy similar to that of honey!

My words being sweet like honey is truly something I am working on. I’m sure anyone reading this blog can recall a discussion with someone where your word choice and/or tone either got you what you desired or had the opposite effect of an argument where no one walked away happy.

Now back to my Mother’s Day story. This Mother’s Day I had it in my head that I wanted to be woken up and showered with affection, admiration and love…I didn’t tell anyone this (of course) but this is what I wanted.

Mistake #1: Don’t expect anyone to read your mind.

My husband (knowing that I am not a morning person) let me sleep. When I woke up and found out what I imagined didn’t happen I told my husband my thoughts as well as reminded him of the time, thought and effort I put into planning for his special days.

Mistake #2: Never compare what you do with that of what your husband does. Trust me it’s worthless and you are setting yourself up for years of resentment. He is not you and no matter how many times you remind him he will never perform a task the way you do.

After I finished getting dressed for church I came down the stairs to hear a beautiful song projecting from a new laptop that my husband purchased. Showing on the computer was a beautiful Power Point presentation with pictures of my daughter and I. He sweetly handed me a delicious smoothie and said “Happy Mother’s Day”. I cried and felt GUILTY. You see, I regretted my words from earlier! They were not sweet like honey!

When we got married my Aunt with her great wisdom gave us the best advice: “Be sweet to each other”. She is a bible reading and bible toting individual and she knows the value of honey! I on the other hand am still learning. After almost 10 years of marriage and many mistakes and blunders later (as you can see I am still adding to that list…smile), today I better understand what her advice truly means. When you love without hesitation, preconceived notions, suspicions, fear and baggage, you are free to be sweet as honey.

The words you choose can be sweet even if the situation is not going the way you desired. The words and approach you choose in a situation can be sweet and welcoming, calming and nurturing and most of all not demeaning. When you love with trust then you can be sweet as honey. Love should be pure and not tainted with the past, or with comparison. To be sweet you have to trust your partner with your feelings, you have to trust that your partner has your best interest at hand. You have to know and understand that that individual loves you in the best way that he or she can -- even if it’s different from the way you love. So if you truly desire to be sweet….put a little honey on it!

Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder…

2009-04-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

I know that we’ve all heard this saying before but the older I get the more I come to understand and appreciate it more..."beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I’m sure you can remember when you were younger (high school or college) and you would go out with your friends to a party. If you weren’t the friend then you had a friend that seemed to always come home with phone numbers or would always capture on-lookers attention. If you weren’t the friend that got the attention maybe you thought “why didn’t I get any phone numbers?” or “why did she/he get more attention than I did?” and finally “what’s wrong with me?”. At that age the only logical assumption that made sense had to be that you were just not attractive or at least not as attractive as your friend.

As I get older I understand that what we thought was rejection had nothing to do with your “cute factor” but more to do with what individuals are attracted too. People are like art or music…just because it’s beautiful to one person doesn’t mean that it will be beautiful or enjoyable to the next. The perception of beauty is not only expressed outwardly but inwardly. Have you ever been in a rush instead of taking 30 minutes to get ready all you had was 10...you throw on whatever's clean and not wrinkled? When you arrived at your destination so many people complimented you that it made you wonder what you were doing wrong on the days you actually devoted the time. Have you ever met someone that you were attracted to but the attraction was not reciprocated? I know you’ve seen a couple and thought…"now how did they end up together?". Well it all has to do with a person’s preference nothing to do with how attractive you are.

As most of my readers know I am a student of people. I love to watch people and learn more about the way they interact. The best places to people-watch for me are the gym and the mall. While huffing and puffing on my bike in my spin class yesterday I saw this very affectionate couple going to the racquetball room. They looked as if they were in their late to mid 50’s. The man passionately rubbed the woman’s back and they smiled and talked as they walked toward the rooms. I’m sure you’ve seen couples like this before but the interesting thing about this couple was that the woman was so tanned that her blonde hair seemed to glow along side of her burnt orange skin. I thought… wow that tan is not normal but obviously he thought she looked like God’s gift.

After I exited what seemed like a forever cycling class I was gently nudged to extend my hour long workout by my workout partner. Not being a lover of the gym I hesitantly agreed. As I walked towards the dreaded leg machines I ran into a woman who unlike me obviously loves to be in the gym. Her biceps perturbed from under her tank top like rockets waiting to be launched from a ship. Her face was chiseled like a runway male model on the cat walk! My workout partner replied “wow she looks like a man!” As the women curled the dumbbell and smiled at her self in the mirror she on the other hand was obviously very pleased with her muscle toned body. I even thought aloud “how do you get guns like that”?

At my job I work with a group of ladies. When I first moved to this group it amazed me how they were so open with discussing their weight and fashion. It’s almost a daily topic. They talk openly about how much weight they’ve lost or gained and what new program they are trying to either help them maintain or lose weight. For a woman that hates to talk about her weight this situation was very uncomfortable. Over time I’ve adjusted and learned to even comment on occasion to the dreaded weight talks. In my eyes one of my teammates is very petite, but in her eyes she is not. She diets, exercises and watches what she eats religiously. She weighs herself every morning to ensure that she is maintaining her current weight. I truly admire her dedication and will power! Just this past week she made a comment about her “da-dunk-da-dunk” and I told her she needs to get rid of the “fun house” mirror in her house because obviously it has her vision skewed. We all laughed but this and all the other situations mentioned further justifies that beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. What we see is not always what others see. To take this a little bit further beauty is not just skin deep but also mental, your inner perception of yourself also perpetuates outwardly through what some call an “aura”. You honestly give something off that without words speaks volumes!

So with all that being said… Put your beauty back in the Beholder’s hand because He created you uniquely beautiful. Remember it’s not what others think about you but what you think of yourself…so make it positive because without words your body is talking! There is no one like you! There will never be anyone like you! Even identical twins have different qualities that make them special and unique. Trust me on this one…two of my closet friends are identical twins. I enjoy and love their differences as well as their similarities. So embrace your uniqueness and know that there is someone out there that will love and appreciate your beauty as much as the one that created you in His likeness!

Plan for the marriage and not just the wedding!

2009-04-20T12:55:00.001-07:00

Today I received a wonderful article by Jim Evans comparing marriage to buying and or renting a house. I know you’re thinking “marriage and buying /renting a house…what do those two things have to do with each other?” The article stated that most renter’s mentalities reflect temporary occupancy. They don’t plan on being in the house long so there is no real investment in the property. Buyers on the other hand usually have long term mentalities. They may invest in the property and even make upgrades which will increase the home’s value.

The current divorce rate is well over 50% which indicates that the majority of individuals entering into marriage do not have an “owners” mentality but that of a “renter”. For most, when the marriage isn’t working, divorce seems to be THE option but a true owner will know that the commitment is binding through the good and bad times. Owners also regard their spouses as “co-owners” and not the “landlord’ as in a renter’s situation. When a problem arises in an “owners” situation both parties roll up their sleeves to work on the problem. In a renters situation the renter looks to the landlord to fix the problems thus passing the blame to one individual without assessing themselves.

Anytime anyone asks me about marriage I always call it “a labor of love” because it is work and nine times out of ten it’s hard work! Anytime you bring two imperfect people together in a perfect union someone is going to rock the boat. Those marriages that survive the storm include the individuals that have an owner’s mentality. ..“the better or worse” kind of people. They know the value of their investment. Those that view their marriage as an investment will put in the necessary work into the relationship to reap the long term benefits.

Most people get married without a clue of what they will experience. Most views of marriage are clouded with the marriage of their parents. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) you are not your parents. Some views are also skewed because they believe that marriage is the extended arm of dating, sorry to say this--but it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times have I heard (and said) “when we were dating he use to/she use to…”. For most when the words “I do” are exchanged-- the relationship changes. For most of us it is natural to go above and beyond when we are securing a relationship then it is once we know that relationship is secure (not saying it’s right but it happens).

Most also have a fairytale view of marriage, especially the first few months or the “honeymoon stage”. The reality is the first few months and even years can be the most difficult. Most divorces occur within the first few years of marriages, but be encouraged because with a little ‘sweat equity and devotion’ most homes render a good return on the investment and so is the same with marriages. A house built on a stack of cards will not stand and neither will a marriage. Work and maintenance is required for survival.

Finally, when asked for advice about marriage I always say the same thing: plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. If you’ve had a wedding ceremony you can reflect on the time you invested in choosing the colors, invitations, location, food, flowers and a host of other items needed to have a successful ceremony. A lot of time and money goes into making a beautiful, memorable event. If that same energy and time are devoted to the marriage then you may have a relationship that will withstand the test of time! As my mother use to say…”anything worth having is worth fighting for”!

Love…

2009-02-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

We are now approaching one of the most glamorized holidays of the year…Valentine’s Day. This day is set aside to show love for the significant other in your life. Many look forward to romantic dinners, being showered with gifts, adoring words, and appreciation. All of these gestures are greatly appreciated and needed, but isn’t love more than just a romantic dinner, chocolates, and flowers? As the old people would say love is an “action word”, so to give or receive love an action must take place.

Love is more than just a word and should be shown more than just one day out of the year. Love has specific qualities like kindness. Love is not envious, boastful, or proud. Love is not rude, selfish, easily angered, nor does it hold grudges. It’s not evil nor does it delight in evil things. Finally, love protects, trusts, and is hopeful and always perseveres.

So as you observe this special day and exchange words and gifts representing love, ask yourself is the love you are giving and receiving reflective of what God intended love to be? Those that have the privilege to love and to be love are blessed and should not take the opportunity for granted. The bible says you could have given all your worldly possessions away to the poor but if you have not loved…you’ve gained nothing.

Some of the single readers may approach this holiday with sadness because they feel that they do not have anyone to share their love with, but God is love and we are commanded to love God, our Lord with all of our hearts and soul. So regardless of whether you have a physical representation of love, you can always find refuge in the spiritual manifestation of love.

There are many attributes that a person should have but the most important of these is love. So as you plan to celebrate this day with the one you love or with the ONE who is love, ensure that the love you are giving and receiving meets the standards in which it was created.

The Content of the Heart…

2009-01-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

Now that the crowds have receded, the stadiums are now empty, the ball gowns are hung back in the closet and the tuxes are replaced with jeans and rolled up sleeves, I sit back in a state of reflection. I still have not really digested the fact that our nation’s president is a black man! It feels like a dream or a movie but it is neither, it is actually a reality! It has been a long tortuous journey dating back over 200 years but the day is now here, the time has now come. Our ancestor’s struggle to freedom and equal rights is now a cause fulfilled. They endured the slave passage, ropes, whips, lynching, water hoses , dogs, clubs, and verbal abuse so that generations to come would be able to really proclaim that they are free and equal in not only God’s eyes but in America’s eyes. The Constitution that this country was built on can really resound in the freedom for which it stands because on January 20, 2009 the final barrier was broken! President Obama’s presidency affirms that the Constitution is more than just a governmental document but a representation of the fulfillment of equal rights for all people as the fore fathers intended.

I’ve had some beautiful moments in my life but what I had the privilege of witnessing yesterday has changed not only my future but the future of our country and world! The impact that the inauguration and this presidency will have on our young African American minds are limitless. Hope is now a reality. The possibilities are now tangible. Faith is now a visible blessing. Black children no longer only have celebrities or athletes to look up to, but now they can add the most coveted role in America to that list …PRESIDENT! This achievement moves blacks into a visible role that will dispel many myths, beliefs and assumptions about the black race. Through President Obama, society will see the intellect, dedications, perseverance, and the spirit of the black race. America will see that Black-America has more than artistic and athletic talents, to offer society we too are filled with aspirations and dreams that range beyond the stage, theater, court and or field.

I feel so blessed to be alive to witness such an accomplishment. I feel even more blessed to share it with my parents, grand-parents and child. After talking to my father regarding his participation in the Civil Rights moment and his experiences of discrimination, I truly feel that our country is heading in a direction where people can truly be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Our God is a God of variety. He created many animals, many types of trees, many types of flowers and organisms. Why would he not create a world of people with the same variety? These differences were not created to be used as weapons of oppression but to reflect His majestic power and design. What happened yesterday affirms that God is still in control. He still appoints kings. Ultimately, His will presides over all because God does not look at the outward appearance but the content of the heart!

Seeds in Bloom

2008-11-05T07:05:00.000-08:00

This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it! This is the day that God saw fit to remove the color barrier on the highest office attainable in America. This event confirms that all people of all nationalities can attain anything with Christ on your side! No matter what your party is or which candidate you support you cannot miss the glorious manifestation of equality that our country displayed yesterday at the election polls. With an overwhelming response from the American people each person that casted their vote knows that their vote counted, that their voice was heard and that their candidate emerged victorious. A nation with a jaded past of suppression, inequality, and brutality can now stand tall because the majority has spoken! The majority has transcended! The majority no longer judges one another based on their skin color but by character, ability, strength, knowledge and most of all by a vision that ALL Americans can be equal with a prosperous and abundant future. My mother always tells me that it may be my job to plant the seed but it might not my job to water it and see it grow. I am ecstatic that I am able to see this seed grow. The word says faith without works is void but we can say today the work has been done and the faith has manifested itself. I am filled today people…overwhelmed with joy and vindication. I can tell my 3 year old without a shadow of doubt that she can be ANYTHING she wants to be! There is no feat to tall…no desire unattainable no dream unreachable! The seeds have blossomed y’all! The seeds of slavery blossomed in to freedom, the seeds of inequality blossomed into equality and now the seeds of change can blossom in to One Nation under God indivisible with liberties and justice for ALL!

Faith in God and not the Candidate!

2008-10-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

I promise that after the election I will go back to writing about my 1st love: Relationships and get out of this circus called politics. I swear I have never been as engaged in an election as I have been with this current election. I am not sure if I have aged enough to really be concerned or if I can now understand the direct impacts of the legislature on my life now that I am employed with a family and plenty of expenses or is it that the economy's death grip has choked so much out of me (and my pocket) that I am screaming for relief?

I’ve seen friends lose jobs. I've seen stores and restaurants close as well as watched the ability to stretch the dollar steadily decrease over the past 8 years! I remember growing up as a kid and Mom going grocery shopping for the month on a set budget. Now, the budget is out the window and most people buy on an “as needed basis” or should I say “do we really need this” basis.

Politics to me are people giving great “lip service” with Americans casting their votes with hopes that the lip service turns into “real service”. In the 2000 and 2004 elections, evangelicals and Christians alike turned out in droves to support a candidate that was against abortion and gay marriages. Now that he has been in office eight years, have the rulings on either one of those issues changed? In many states gay marriages are taking place and abortions are still legal. I am a Christian, I love the Lord God with all of my heart but when it comes to politics we have to put our faith in God and not in the lip service of these candidates. Candidates are privy to have their personal beliefs but that personal beliefs system may not always be reflected in the laws they implement while in office. Why you may ask? Because it takes more than them to make up what we know as the government. There are also lobbyists with lots of money fueling the decisions of the governmental legislature as well as two houses that have to support the bills being considered. So what do we do? This country was built on the bible but the interest of the founding fathers aren’t the interest being pursued today.

Lately the term Socialism has been thrown around and many have stated that they don’t want to choose the Democratic candidate because they don’t want to have a socialist government. My question is when the government votes and passes a bailout bill that will result in paying higher taxes to fund it are we not already being put in a socialistic situation (and that’s with a Republican candidate in office)? Is it okay to give to the rich but not to the poor who need health care and lower taxes?

As Christians it is not only our duty to uphold the Father’s beliefs regarding abortion and same sex relationships but also to care for the poor. So, how do you choose which issue is more important? Does one issue take precedence over another? What criteria do you use to make your decision on a candidate? People have with the development of laws placed criteria on sin. But the bible clearly states all sin is the same. For these reasons (and many others being explored in the political debates) it’s hard to vote for a candidate based on his religious or spiritual beliefs.

God doesn't always eliminate the trial but he will always carry the burden!

2008-09-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation, a crisis when you've cried out to God “Why Me?” Has anything every happened in your life that made you question God’s purpose? This week in my family something like that happen. I was so hurt and so worried that I cried out to God and asked “Why?” Why do bad things happen to good people? God, in his infinite wisdom softly whispered to my heart “I don’t always remove the burden but I will carry it for you.” This week I truly learned something about God’s love for his people. For the first time in all my 32 years of living I understand more deeply why we experience things as Christians. Just because you are a Christian doesn’t mean that you are shielded from hurt, harm or danger it just means that you can have peace in knowing that your father has promised that ALL things (not some but ALL things ) work together for good for those who love the Lord! We go through trials because it manifests God’s presence in our lives. It makes His power and ability to perform miracles real in our lives. It makes us realize He is all powerful and He is the head of our lives and even when we have no control he does. In this situation I realized there was nothing I could do but release and let God. How many things are you holding onto knowing that you can not fix it? Knowing that the power to have peace lies in God and not in you?

This realization also confirmed that Christians struggle with worldly temptation and sin too. Our desire to live better and make the right choices stems from the love we have for God and our desire to lead a Christ-like life. For months I’ve struggled with writing my second book. I struggled because the storyline introduces external battles that human beings face. I didn’t want my readers to think that my inspirational writing style had changed because I wanted to introduce external trials, temptation, sin and forgiveness. As Christians, we have tests and even make bad decisions and terrible choices, but even then God is there in the midst waiting for us to confess and return to him because he promised never to leave or forsake us. As humans we have free will and freedom of choice and yes sometimes we will make terrible decisions but we can rest in knowing that God is a forgiving God and as the father of the prodigal son he will welcome us home with open arms.

What's up with this election?

2008-09-09T08:11:00.001-07:00

The older I get the more attention I pay to the government and politics. This upcoming election seems to be a pivotal breaking point in America's history. Not only because there is a bi-racial man running as the elected candidate on a major party ticket, or that a woman is in line to be the VP if her candidate is elected President, but that for the first time in many years the United States is no longer the richest nor the strongest nation in the world. Republicans and Democrats alike can agree that for the past eight years this country has lost it's worth in the eyes of it's citizens and other on lookers around the world. For the first time, the American dollar has less value than many other countries around the world. For the first time, Americans are factoring in gas as a part of their household budget. I don't know about you but I cringe every time I see that $60.00 price tag when I go to the gas station every Thursday. Electing this leader could be the key to get our country back on track. This race isn't about parties but should be about which candidate has your best interest at heart. It shouldn't be about race or gender but about which candidate has the desire, will and strength to return America to it's high standards and regards. This race should be more important than having several generations of Republicans or Democrats in your family. For some of the smartest people in the world, America seems to be really green when it comes to electing qualified individuals in office to run this country. Even the scarecrow desired a brain to make wise decisions only to find out that he'd already had a brain but just needed the confidence to use it. Come on people take a look at the issues...identify what is important in your life and vote for that candidate. Disregard the party lines and vote for the person that is geared toward restoring this country to its original grandeur. Look beyond the media hype and rhetoric and make a wise decision because the decision you make will either make or break this country.

The Law of Attraction

2008-08-22T09:22:00.001-07:00

These last few weeks have been really interesting. Since I have been knee deep in book stuff, my 1st love--“Relationships” has had to take a back seat. Although, I have plans for a 3rd book which will be about the roller coaster ride called “Single Life” which is the reason for this blog today.

I’ve had three close girlfriends meet some really nice guys. All three lovely ladies are what we call “ready for THE relationship" but in the midst of meeting these “nice” guys all ladies were missing the “IT FACTOR”. This got me to thinking about the law of attraction. I wondered how is it that a good guy can meet a good girl but pass up the relationship because the spark is missing, especially when each individual is ready to settle down.

I was flipping through the TV while on commercial break from the Olympics and I ran across the movie “Something New”. The beautiful woman in the movie had a hard time giving in to a good relationship and when she finally let her guard down to let the man in, the first mistake he made she hightailed it for the hills. Shortly thereafter, she met another great guy but the spark was not there so she gave in to her heart and back-tracked to the 1st guy. Thank goodness it was a movie with a happy ending because he was still open to the possibility of a relationship. Both women and men are some complicated creatures. Just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a monkey wrench in the deal and all bets are off!

So is this attraction thing so important that we pass up a good thing? For many it is…but what happens when you meet that person you know you aren’t suppose to be with but the attraction is there? You push so hard to make the relationship work when you know the relationship is wrong. Either he or she isn’t treating you right, giving you the time and attention you deserve, not ready for a commitment when you know that you are or any of those red flags that tell you to move on. Is the law of attraction so important that we compromise our desire to be loved the way we deserve to just to be with someone that makes our boat float?

I certainly understand not wanting to wake up next to someone that I am not attracted to but I wonder if we cut the ties too soon because attraction can come in many different facets. There are many traits such as a beautiful personality, sense of humor, adventurous, interesting, cultured, confidence, style, and many other traits that don’t have anything to do with physical attributes. So, before you throw in the towel on that person that you don’t feel the immediate draw too take a look deeper into who the person is, you never know they could blossom like a swan and very well be the person for you.

Seize the Opportunity

2008-08-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am a big believer that God gives us opportunities but it is up to us to take advantage of the door or window that God so graciously opened. This past weekend I went to the 49th Delta Convention in Orlando. I brought several books with me with hopes of selling a few. I honestly was a little disappointed because books sales weren’t going as I thought. It was really busy and the venue was very crowded, but beyond the clouds there was sunshine. While sitting next to a fellow sorority sister during the step show, she encouraged me to take a book to the host who is also a comedian on BET. Well I got my courage up and took a book to her and she in turn gave me a shout out in front of at least 5000 women!!! The very next day I was able to shimmy myself up to Sheryl Lee Ralph, Suzzanne Douglass and Michael Eric Dyson to give them books as well. I had to step out of my comfort zone and take advantage of the opportunity that God created for me. Now, I have no idea if anything will come of these efforts (I pray it will) but this experience taught me to believe in myself, my gifts and my God! And sometimes he gives us confirmation of us walking in the path that he has set for us…Suzzanne Douglas actually told me that she could see the book as a movie! Guess what? I originally wrote the story as a play!!! God has big things in store for me…I know he does! So keep believing in your dreams because what he has for you is for you!

The Drop Zone

2008-06-10T14:16:00.001-07:00

Often I wonder about God’s will and how His will lines up with our lives. He gave us the ability to make choices but if we choose incorrectly then our wills are not lined up with His. I had to grow to understand that God knows what our choices will be even before we make them but just because he knows them doesn’t mean he made us make that decision. He gave us a little thing called “Free Will”. He didn’t create us to be robots but individuals who freely praise and seek Him.

When our choices are line up with His will then we are where my pastor calls “The Drop Zone”. In the bible God used the ravens to feed his servant (1Kings17; 4). Do you know what kind of bird the raven is? He is not one known to share his food but when God uses someone (and we are obedient to his will…thus inline with His will) it doesn’t matter what their tendencies are He can take the lowliness creature (the most unlikely person) and use them to achieve the goal of blessing you! Now isn’t that amazing…even our enemies become our foot stools! The “Drop Zone” is that special place where God drop our blessings on us. The place were He can open up the windows of heaven and the blessing can flow freely down on us. Take a look at your life and determine if you are indeed in the “drop zone”. Are you in a relationship that is not flourishing? If so you aren’t in the drop zone. Your mate could be around the corner but because you continue to force something that obviously is not fitting you miss your blessing…or delay them. Are you at a job were you don’t feel fulfilled? If so you may not be in the drop zone. That promotion or peace of mind could be right around the corner but because you are afraid to step out on faith you are missing your blessing. If you aren’t in that divine place were the blessings He has stored for can fall on you freely then as the old people say you could be “blocking your blessings”. You move into your drop zone! Don’t let the ravens pass you by!

A Relationship Tune Up

2008-06-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

When men use analogies many times they relate everything to cars. As women we may not understand that all the time but in some cases the car analogy works! Every few months you take your care in for a regular tune up, whether it is an oil change, rotating tires, changing break pads or air filters. If you don't do these simple maintenance tasks the cars longevity is compromised. If not regular maintenance you at least put gas in your car once or twice a week (even if it does cost you $4.00 a galloon). If you don't get gas then guess what? Your car won’t run.

I recently learned relationships need tune ups and or full ups just as often as a car does. Many times we get bogged down with our daily lives and the one person we are supposed to love unconditionally is put on the back burner. I never really understood what it meant for married couples to break up after many years of marriage because they “just grew apart”. I always wondered what it means to “grow apart”. After being married several years I now understand how easy it can be to "grow apart". But you don't have to let this happen...that's were "Tune Ups" come in place. Relationships need daily and monthly servicing just as your cars do. It’s very easy to let your lives grow in different directions. It’s very easy for you to take the one that is suppose to mean the most to you for granted. If you don’t handle this delicate relationship with care then as a car does without gas your relationship will stop running.

So here are a few tips to keep your relationship oiled up and running smooth:

Daily care:
Gas up your relationship: Say I love you daily. Stop for a kiss on the cheek, a wink of the eye, a simple compliment, take on your partners tasks for the day, go on a date, and stay up late talking, laugh with and at each other and most of all pray together…simple things to “SHOW” you care.

Long term care (some of these things require planning):

Tune up your relationship: Read a relationship book together (ex: The 5 Love Languages, Power of a Praying wife/Husband, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus)… attend a relationship conference, or plan a get away…with just the two of you. Remember a relationship is an active viable engine that needs a tune up every once in a while…pay attention to yours and don’t let it die!

Friends

2008-06-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am hosting my version of Oprah's "Legends Ball". Unfortunately I won’t be giving away diamonds and John Legend won’t be serenading us but it will be special nonetheless. The legends in my life aren't ones you will see on television or on a magazine cover but the individuals I call "friends". About 8 months ago I had knee surgery. This was no walk-in-the-park knee surgery. For 5-months after the surgery I was unable to walk or drive. It was debilitating because I am known as a "busy bee". This was the hardest thing that I have had to experience in my life and trust me I have experience some things. God used this time to teach me to lean and depend on others...this is were my true friends came in. They were there cooking dinner, bringing food for me and my family, calling to check on me, coming by just to visit and most of all having unconditional love. The surprising thing is people I thought were close to me weren't there for me...people that I had just met within months came to my aide with no questions...it was amazing! Today looking back I feel so blessed and today I want to honor these individuals. Recently I saw the highly acclaimed movie “Sex and the City” this movie reminded me of what friends are and how they stand by your side thick or thin, good or bad…happy or sad! So if you have individuals in your life that meet the definition of “true friends” honor them in a special way…let them know how they have impacted your life. True friends are rare so if you have them in your life you are blessed!

New Paper Article

2008-06-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

I am excited to write that the1st news paper article about me and the book was published today in the DFW Quick! It is an amazing feeling and I hope many books sells result from the article. The article took a spin on the book...it addressed the impact on weight on the single life. It was very interesting to talk about weight issues and insecurities from the single life prespective. I think if you aren't confident in who you are as a person whether a size zero or sixteen your dating life can be impacted negatively. The first step in being successful in anything you do is feeling confident in who you are as a person...on the inside and the outside. The persona you give off is like honey you can either attract bee's that will cutivate you and help you to grow or flies that will eat away everything until there is nothing left. So love yourself first and all that is good and intended for you will come your way!

Creating Publicity for your book?

2008-05-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

Being a new self published author is not a cake walk. After you've written the book, edited it time and time again and finally released it to the world for everyone to critique and review there is a little thing called sales and publicity. I was not at all prepared for this part of the deal. My first stab at this field that I am clueless about was to send emails to everyone I know and have them send emails to everyone they know. I've learned this either doesn't work, people don't read emails, I have some cheap friends and they do too, or the only way to sale a book is if I have the physical copy right there in my head ready to hand it to my potential buyer. I have only sold 13 books on amazon and maybe that many on my website. It is very discouraging when you don’t see immediate sales. At this point I am not sure if I should send another email (which will make 3) or should I start using pat-and-turner and go door-to-door. I really want this to be a success but never did I imagine that I would be the person at the club with flyers…who knew? Well if any of you reading this know what direction is up when it comes to a successful launch of your 1st book please help!

A Big Girl's Blues

2008-05-06T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay this is my 2nd time trying this. I hope it works this time. I am the new self published author of "A Big Girl's Blues". I am very excited to release this fictional story from my heart to yours. Here is a little about the book: This books deals with the struggle of image and self-worth. The story line takes you on a journey through the life of Jasmine Tucker a successful advertising executive who is unhappy with her exterior self due to her weight. Her insecurities hinder her from living her life’s potential and purpose. After several eye-opening events Jasmine realizes that the journey of being thin is actually a journey of living your dreams and being healthy and happy on the inside and out!

I am sure you will find this short story to be inspiring and motivating. It's also a great gift idea!
Book can be purchased on amazon.com or at my website heart4writing.com
This journey has been long, trying and a labor of love. I will keep you posted on the journey and my up's and downs as I reach for my dreams!