I haven’t blogged in a really long time. Not because I haven’t wanted to, and not because I haven’t had a lot to share but because I’ve just been lazy with craving out time to do one of the things I enjoy the most: Write! But, last night a subject came to mind and I couldn’t rest without sharing this insight into a woman’s heart: Woman and communication…can’t have the one without the other!
Most experts note that women talk on average way more than men. Doesn’t mean that men don’t have anything to say just means that women say it more often. A woman builds her relationships on the ability to communicate. I would even go further to say that communication is a fundamental building block to the foundation of all of the relationships a woman has.
When a woman is mad at her man (or even friend) after the initial argument and if the problem lingers she stop speaking to them. She removes the most valuable thing to her from the relationship…communication: Woman call this quiet time the “silent treatment”. Funny thing is for most men the silent treatment means “peace and quiet”. Some men are happy that the arguing has stopped even if the problem hasn’t been solved. Those that aren’t observers in their relationship may not even notice the silence and or bask in the opportunity to be left alone. But, they will notice the absence of sex. If they didn’t notice the silence or care that the silent treatment had been enacted they will notice that the sex has been removed. To some that is the 1st sign that “Houston we (still) have a problem”. Here’s a tip: For women sex and communication are interrelated! Sex to a woman is a form of communication...can't have one without the other.
If the foundation of communication is not strong a woman feel emotionally starved. For a woman in a relationship communication is a form of intimacy even when no words are being spoken. It’s the time you get to know each other and learn intimate details about the interworkings of the heart. I’ve found that you can never completely know a person because we are ever changing, which means there should always be something to talk about. The days should never all be the same (and if they are you need to spice them up…but that’s another blog).
In a relationship with good communication, partners look forward to speaking to each other even if the conversation is a tough one. Most couples with good communication skills have them because they trust each other with their transparencies. They believe they are playing on the same team and the benefits of working through the issues will benefit them as a whole and not just one party. No one ever walks away feeling like a loser. There may be sacrifice but only because it's best for the relationship. Good communicators also know that if a problem is not solved or an agreement met it will return…another day…same subject. Finally, wise communicators know that their ability to interact with each other easily and unselfishly benefits them in many areas of their relationship.
I mentioned early when a woman is starved of a strong communication foundation in her relationship other things begin to lag. Because communication is tied to intimacy the love life will eventually fall off. Why, because most women relate sex to bonding and connecting. Men you may be surprised to know that most women aren't holding out because she is retaliating. Sex is that unspoken form of communication. When verbal communication breaks down so does physical communciation. Love making to a women is the ability to please your partner without spoken words. For most women it is hard and in some cases literally impossible to have one with out the other. Women that have had the pleasure of knowing the full picture of the art of good communication through love making usually perfer not going back to the mere physical aspect of sex. Intimacy is deeper than sex and provides a level of fulfillment for both the physical, verbal and the spiritual being.
With that being said it would be advantageous to cultivate the communication in your relationships. A person (a male) once told me that relationships are like rose bushes. If you don’t cultivate the bush the thrones will choke (starve) the budding of beautiful flowers. Cultivation is communication. This is the same for diamonds. For a diamond to become a diamond it has to be pulled from the coal, put in the fire, the access is chipped away and then you have the finished product. But it doesn’t stop there even with a beautiful diamond to maintain it brilliance it has to be cleaned, polished and shined. Good relationships need maintenance as well. It should be a priority in any relationship that has meaning. Note I didn’t call it "work" because if you truly value a relationship it isn’t work at all it’s a labor of love. So open up the lines of communication in your relationships and see them flourish!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Self Worth
I haven’t blogged in months. Outside of being busy and unmotivated to write I have no real excuses. But today as I was on my way to the lunch room I thought about my little girl. This morning when I finished getting her ready she looked in the mirror with the utmost approval and smiled. She knew she looked beautiful. As I walked to the lunch room I recalled when I was younger and I tried to remember had my mother ever looked at me and told me that I was beautiful, special or worthy? Many times she looked upon me with approval but honestly I can’t recall the words. I decided at that moment that I want my daugther to recall the words.
I think about our youth mainly our young women. I think about what they see on TV and in the magazines…what the world categorizes as beautiful. I think about young girls that I know who have little to no self confidence. Because they are lacking in this area the first male that pays them any attention they jump to please, satisfy and be anything he desires her to be (and in these days that boy can also be a girl…let’s be real). These leaps and bounds are all done in efforts to “feel” the confidence, love and approval that they don’t have within. These unsure girls grow up to be unsure women. These women become the woman in the relationship bending over backwards trying to please the man they are with all the while not being treated as the worthy woman they are….the daughters of the King.
I believe confidence starts when you are young, parent’s buiId this foundation. Most people see a cute baby and say how cute they are. But how often does that reinforcement occur into adolences and the teenage years? I am not saying we won’t go through that awkward period in life but instilling self love in is something that is so deep even if there is doubt you won’t waiver. You won’t look for that approval from someone else. The foundation blocks have been built and secure. It is important for our girls to know they are worth more than a dinner, or movie. Their bodies are prized possessions and should not be just giving to the first male that pays you a little attention. God sent his Son who gave his life for you. This says you are worth a lot more than a few dollars or a really good mack line. I think as parents we should take the time (especially in this day and age with so much technology) to instill in our girls their self worth. I want my daughter to look in the mirror when she is 16 and see her unique beauty as she did this morning at the age of four. I make it a point to say she is beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside. I tell her that her beauty is not just physical but also has to do with the way she treats others and allows herself to be treated. I don’t want her to compare herself to others so I make sure she knows that God created everyone and that he made us all different but beautiful in our own special way.
So parents never stop complimenting your children. Never stop encouraging them and investing in them. What you put in them will help to determine what they become in society when they are adults. I tell my husband to take our daughters out on dates because they should know how they should be treated. They should know even if you are a strong independent woman chivalry is not dead. Many individuals often say a young male child needs a male figure in their lives. That is very true but it is also true that a female child also needs a good strong male role model. They are learning from the relationships that their mother’s have with men. They are watching how you are being treated and will use those examples to pick their mates in the future. Boys are also watching, determining how they should treat their mates in the future. Some children are able to transcend their environment but it takes a STRONG individual to do that. For the most part we are a product of our environment.
Children are given to us as blessings. Innocent gifts that we help to mold into adults. They deserve the best shot at life that we can offer them. So as parents use the tools that you have to ensure that your little one becomes all he or she can be. Ensure that our girls and boys are proud and confident in who they are and who’s they are. Finally encourage, compliment and praise your children. Don’t let it stop because they grow up. Each nugget of praise is a building block to a well balanced child who will become a vital resource to their community!
I think about our youth mainly our young women. I think about what they see on TV and in the magazines…what the world categorizes as beautiful. I think about young girls that I know who have little to no self confidence. Because they are lacking in this area the first male that pays them any attention they jump to please, satisfy and be anything he desires her to be (and in these days that boy can also be a girl…let’s be real). These leaps and bounds are all done in efforts to “feel” the confidence, love and approval that they don’t have within. These unsure girls grow up to be unsure women. These women become the woman in the relationship bending over backwards trying to please the man they are with all the while not being treated as the worthy woman they are….the daughters of the King.
I believe confidence starts when you are young, parent’s buiId this foundation. Most people see a cute baby and say how cute they are. But how often does that reinforcement occur into adolences and the teenage years? I am not saying we won’t go through that awkward period in life but instilling self love in is something that is so deep even if there is doubt you won’t waiver. You won’t look for that approval from someone else. The foundation blocks have been built and secure. It is important for our girls to know they are worth more than a dinner, or movie. Their bodies are prized possessions and should not be just giving to the first male that pays you a little attention. God sent his Son who gave his life for you. This says you are worth a lot more than a few dollars or a really good mack line. I think as parents we should take the time (especially in this day and age with so much technology) to instill in our girls their self worth. I want my daughter to look in the mirror when she is 16 and see her unique beauty as she did this morning at the age of four. I make it a point to say she is beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside. I tell her that her beauty is not just physical but also has to do with the way she treats others and allows herself to be treated. I don’t want her to compare herself to others so I make sure she knows that God created everyone and that he made us all different but beautiful in our own special way.
So parents never stop complimenting your children. Never stop encouraging them and investing in them. What you put in them will help to determine what they become in society when they are adults. I tell my husband to take our daughters out on dates because they should know how they should be treated. They should know even if you are a strong independent woman chivalry is not dead. Many individuals often say a young male child needs a male figure in their lives. That is very true but it is also true that a female child also needs a good strong male role model. They are learning from the relationships that their mother’s have with men. They are watching how you are being treated and will use those examples to pick their mates in the future. Boys are also watching, determining how they should treat their mates in the future. Some children are able to transcend their environment but it takes a STRONG individual to do that. For the most part we are a product of our environment.
Children are given to us as blessings. Innocent gifts that we help to mold into adults. They deserve the best shot at life that we can offer them. So as parents use the tools that you have to ensure that your little one becomes all he or she can be. Ensure that our girls and boys are proud and confident in who they are and who’s they are. Finally encourage, compliment and praise your children. Don’t let it stop because they grow up. Each nugget of praise is a building block to a well balanced child who will become a vital resource to their community!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
“Soul Mates”?
I am not sure about the men out there but I know with women we grow up watching fairytales. From Cinderella to Snow White to Rapunzel heck even in Shrek there was that one person who was created especially for the princess and they live happily ever after. These individuals were soul mates. When I think of soul mates I think of two individuals created especially for each other. I imagine God creating each individual - their future - their paths crossing at some undisclosed time and place. They’d meet – learn each other – and somehow figure out that they were meant for each other – Their paths would line up with God’s design and they would live happily ever after.
But is that really reality?
As human beings functioning in this world we do make choices and our choices aren’t always in line with God’s. With the divorce rate being over 50% there is a lot of bad choices going on in the relationship department. We aren’t perfect and in a relationship two imperfect people are being brought together, so ultimately there will be struggles.
So because there will be problems does that mean there is no such thing as soul mates?
For me “No”! I believe the difference between a relationship that is truly designed and fashioned by God (soul mates) and one that isn’t is that both parties are in the relationship for the long haul. Their main interest and concern is pleasing the other person and achieving the role God designed for that relationship. These individuals become students of one another seeking to master the subject (or die trying). Does this mean the individuals will never hurt one another? No! Does this mean there will never be problems? No. This only means that each individual has determined that there is no other person on this earth for them. They’ve declared and believe they are indeed soul mates.
I think the idea of soul mates begun with the creation of man and woman. God laid the man to sleep and took a rib from his side to fashion a woman. This woman, Eve was made especially for Adam. God knowing Adam very well knew exactly what he would like. Every little detail and feature I am sure was pleasing to Adams eye and heart. I believe God has this in mind for everyone he called to have relationships. Knowing His children very well he knows exactly what we need and desire. But even in the 1st man and woman relationship there were problems. Chaos came from beauty and from that point on trouble has been at the door steps of every marriage and relationship thereafter.
In relationships there will be problems. I don’t know anyone in a perfect relationship. I thought I did but I know now there is no such thing. What I have learned is that some people are meant to be together therefore they put in the work to maintain and cultivate the relationship.
Sometimes when problems develop thoughts of “whether or not you are with the person you are meant to be with” arise. This is not uncommon. I once heard a comedian say men and serial killers have one thing in common… “the one that got away”. Women also have this in common with men and serial killers. But when I honestly think about it: The ex’s and missed opportunities creep up into our memory/minds during the low periods in our relationship. The “what if’s” and “the possibilities” weave their way into our brains, planting seeds of doubt. Honestly those thoughts can be very shallow because hard times, trouble, problems and or issues have no limitations. Those thoughts are nothing more than a fantasy to escape your reality, if you truly believe you are with your soul mate.
Just because you meet and marry your soul mate doesn’t mean that troubles won’t knock at your door. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be things that come along that test your relationship to the point that you think it may break. Being with your soul mate doesn’t mean that life will be perfect or easy. It only means that when these things do arise you will have some one in your corner to battle through it with you (even if they are the one that caused the pain). There is an old Prince song that says “will you run to me even if the somebody that hurt you is me”. In a soul mate relationship you do because the relationship is priority. We all have deal breakers in relationships. That one thing that we think we can not take. But if you are with your soul mate and you know it then you find the strength and the energy to work through it. You want to work through. So if you know in your heart of hearts that there is no one else on this earth for you know that you are with your soul mate and during the bad times have faith in knowing that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.
But is that really reality?
As human beings functioning in this world we do make choices and our choices aren’t always in line with God’s. With the divorce rate being over 50% there is a lot of bad choices going on in the relationship department. We aren’t perfect and in a relationship two imperfect people are being brought together, so ultimately there will be struggles.
So because there will be problems does that mean there is no such thing as soul mates?
For me “No”! I believe the difference between a relationship that is truly designed and fashioned by God (soul mates) and one that isn’t is that both parties are in the relationship for the long haul. Their main interest and concern is pleasing the other person and achieving the role God designed for that relationship. These individuals become students of one another seeking to master the subject (or die trying). Does this mean the individuals will never hurt one another? No! Does this mean there will never be problems? No. This only means that each individual has determined that there is no other person on this earth for them. They’ve declared and believe they are indeed soul mates.
I think the idea of soul mates begun with the creation of man and woman. God laid the man to sleep and took a rib from his side to fashion a woman. This woman, Eve was made especially for Adam. God knowing Adam very well knew exactly what he would like. Every little detail and feature I am sure was pleasing to Adams eye and heart. I believe God has this in mind for everyone he called to have relationships. Knowing His children very well he knows exactly what we need and desire. But even in the 1st man and woman relationship there were problems. Chaos came from beauty and from that point on trouble has been at the door steps of every marriage and relationship thereafter.
In relationships there will be problems. I don’t know anyone in a perfect relationship. I thought I did but I know now there is no such thing. What I have learned is that some people are meant to be together therefore they put in the work to maintain and cultivate the relationship.
Sometimes when problems develop thoughts of “whether or not you are with the person you are meant to be with” arise. This is not uncommon. I once heard a comedian say men and serial killers have one thing in common… “the one that got away”. Women also have this in common with men and serial killers. But when I honestly think about it: The ex’s and missed opportunities creep up into our memory/minds during the low periods in our relationship. The “what if’s” and “the possibilities” weave their way into our brains, planting seeds of doubt. Honestly those thoughts can be very shallow because hard times, trouble, problems and or issues have no limitations. Those thoughts are nothing more than a fantasy to escape your reality, if you truly believe you are with your soul mate.
Just because you meet and marry your soul mate doesn’t mean that troubles won’t knock at your door. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be things that come along that test your relationship to the point that you think it may break. Being with your soul mate doesn’t mean that life will be perfect or easy. It only means that when these things do arise you will have some one in your corner to battle through it with you (even if they are the one that caused the pain). There is an old Prince song that says “will you run to me even if the somebody that hurt you is me”. In a soul mate relationship you do because the relationship is priority. We all have deal breakers in relationships. That one thing that we think we can not take. But if you are with your soul mate and you know it then you find the strength and the energy to work through it. You want to work through. So if you know in your heart of hearts that there is no one else on this earth for you know that you are with your soul mate and during the bad times have faith in knowing that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Preserving a relationship…
For many years people have been getting rich off self help books. Most of these books are geared towards woman because frankly women read and are always looking for something to help them improve upon themselves. Many books focus on helping women understand men and maybe even obtain a relationship and or marriage. Steve Harvey recently released a book that shot to the top of the New York Times Best Sellers list. This book was designed to help woman understand men and secure a relationship. The irony in this is as many of you may know currently the divorce rate is over 50% in the United States but guess who files for the majority of those divorces…Women! This interested me because if women wanted relationship why are they the ones filing for divorce once they get into a relationship? After pondering this for a few hours I figured it would be a good idea to write something for the men about maintaining and securing their relationship. By no means am I saying men are the reason for ALL divorces but something happens along the duration of the relationship that causes a woman to throw in the towel, even though most desire a meaningful relationship.
The transition into marriage isn’t easy for either person but may be less stressful for the man. I say this because most women marry with hopes of change (rather that be in the relationship or the man). Men for the most part pretty much understand what they are getting (although recently I've noticed that they too have their hopes of change).
Women are pretty much groomed for the caretaker role from birth. Most women watch their mother’s or women in their life as a guide on how their role should be in a marriage. What they learn from these women is usually imbedded in a woman’s mind as what to do or what not to do in a marriage. Based on these assumptions some women assume the role as the cook, the cleaner, the care taker for the children and or the husband and could also be the primary breadwinner. Taking on one or more of these roles (even all) can be tiring for some after a long period of time. In most households both individuals work outside of the home. Two incomes are needed, so the ability and or desire to wear the home hat with the career hat requires a lot of a woman. The stresses of wearing many hats can build up resentment if the signifcant other is not helping out.
So here are a few suggestions to help men maintain and keep the relationships with their significant others. Now before we get into this list please remember that these rules are the case for MOST but not ALL. I also want to state that there are many reasons women get divorce and all of them don’t have to do with the man they were married to. Finally, as I mentioned above men are not the blame for ALL marital break-ups so don’t get your feature ruffled. These tips can be used to preserve a good marriage, help fix a bad marriage or forewarn a person who isn’t married just how much work it takes to cultivate a successful marriage.
1. Make the women feel like she is number one. Don’t ever let anything take precedence over your wife outside of God. This means video game, friends, relatives, work or even extracurricular activities. A woman needs to feel like a queen. She needs to feel like she is appreciated. Her feelings need and should be considered and if they aren’t a man should acknowledge when this occurs and be quick to correct the error.
2. A man should take interest in the things his woman is interested in. This rule is twofold. If a couples lives two different lives without them ever crossing paths their worlds will surely grow apart.
3. A woman likes a man who can take charge because women like to feel protected. Women grow up watching fairytales such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty…so she wants that knight in shining armor relationship. Although we grow up and discover life is not a fairytale the desire to be protected and supported by the man that loves them never fades away.
4. Being that in most homes both individuals have to work (if you are lucky and don’t…Awesome) a woman wants a man that helps out around the house, do the manly duties… i.e. take out the trash, mow the lawn, take care of the cars etc. A man that takes pride in his home and the things he owns shows a woman that he is responsible. If the man doesn’t do these things himself he should make the arrangements to have them done by someone else.
5. Be an active father. There is nothing more attractive than a man who loves his children and has no quorums with showing his love for his children. It’s important to be at events, take an interest in their lives and activities, and interact with them at home, do activities with them alone without instruction from the wife.
6. Be spontaneous with the measures of romance, affection, and appreciation. Special occasions are not the only time to show affection to your wife. Gifts should not be the same old bouquet of flowers. No need for a special occasions make it a random occasion! Actions speak louder than words. The same consideration, time and effort you enjoy that comes from your wife should reciprocate the affection.
7. Men should also understand that women are drawn to strength and confidence. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a tough guy/thug but means a man should trust his wife enough to open up completely, be sensitive, be transparent. A husband should know (or want to learn) when to be what for his wife rather than be the tough guy in control, the shoulder to cry on or to open up when something bothers him…not hold it all in.
The transition into marriage isn’t easy for either person but may be less stressful for the man. I say this because most women marry with hopes of change (rather that be in the relationship or the man). Men for the most part pretty much understand what they are getting (although recently I've noticed that they too have their hopes of change).
Women are pretty much groomed for the caretaker role from birth. Most women watch their mother’s or women in their life as a guide on how their role should be in a marriage. What they learn from these women is usually imbedded in a woman’s mind as what to do or what not to do in a marriage. Based on these assumptions some women assume the role as the cook, the cleaner, the care taker for the children and or the husband and could also be the primary breadwinner. Taking on one or more of these roles (even all) can be tiring for some after a long period of time. In most households both individuals work outside of the home. Two incomes are needed, so the ability and or desire to wear the home hat with the career hat requires a lot of a woman. The stresses of wearing many hats can build up resentment if the signifcant other is not helping out.
So here are a few suggestions to help men maintain and keep the relationships with their significant others. Now before we get into this list please remember that these rules are the case for MOST but not ALL. I also want to state that there are many reasons women get divorce and all of them don’t have to do with the man they were married to. Finally, as I mentioned above men are not the blame for ALL marital break-ups so don’t get your feature ruffled. These tips can be used to preserve a good marriage, help fix a bad marriage or forewarn a person who isn’t married just how much work it takes to cultivate a successful marriage.
1. Make the women feel like she is number one. Don’t ever let anything take precedence over your wife outside of God. This means video game, friends, relatives, work or even extracurricular activities. A woman needs to feel like a queen. She needs to feel like she is appreciated. Her feelings need and should be considered and if they aren’t a man should acknowledge when this occurs and be quick to correct the error.
2. A man should take interest in the things his woman is interested in. This rule is twofold. If a couples lives two different lives without them ever crossing paths their worlds will surely grow apart.
3. A woman likes a man who can take charge because women like to feel protected. Women grow up watching fairytales such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty…so she wants that knight in shining armor relationship. Although we grow up and discover life is not a fairytale the desire to be protected and supported by the man that loves them never fades away.
4. Being that in most homes both individuals have to work (if you are lucky and don’t…Awesome) a woman wants a man that helps out around the house, do the manly duties… i.e. take out the trash, mow the lawn, take care of the cars etc. A man that takes pride in his home and the things he owns shows a woman that he is responsible. If the man doesn’t do these things himself he should make the arrangements to have them done by someone else.
5. Be an active father. There is nothing more attractive than a man who loves his children and has no quorums with showing his love for his children. It’s important to be at events, take an interest in their lives and activities, and interact with them at home, do activities with them alone without instruction from the wife.
6. Be spontaneous with the measures of romance, affection, and appreciation. Special occasions are not the only time to show affection to your wife. Gifts should not be the same old bouquet of flowers. No need for a special occasions make it a random occasion! Actions speak louder than words. The same consideration, time and effort you enjoy that comes from your wife should reciprocate the affection.
7. Men should also understand that women are drawn to strength and confidence. This doesn’t necessarily mean being a tough guy/thug but means a man should trust his wife enough to open up completely, be sensitive, be transparent. A husband should know (or want to learn) when to be what for his wife rather than be the tough guy in control, the shoulder to cry on or to open up when something bothers him…not hold it all in.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Put a little honey on it…
Last weekend was Mother’s Day. All good mothers out there know and fully understand being a good mother is a tough job but one of the most fulfilling and rewarding jobs in the world. My Mother’s Day was one of the best that I’ve ever had, although it didn’t start out quite the way I wanted it to (the key words in that sentence are: “the way I WANTED it too”). I’ll explain what this has to do with honey further down in the blog.
For you bible scholars, the bible mentions honey about 61 times. The Promise Land was described as being full of milk and honey. God words are also described as being like sweet honey and finally in the Songs of Solomon it talks about a woman and her words being like honey. After reading this I thought this honey must be some great stuff and as the saying goes: You catch more flies with honey… so I did a little research. Honey is smooth, naturally sweet and very fragrant. Honey is versatile it takes on the flavor of its environment. Whatever trees and /or flowers in the area that the bees feed on will flavor the honey with its essence. In biblical days honey was a commodity. Only the rich or well off had access to this priceless gift. Honey also is good for medicinal reasons such as allergies, antioxidants and vitamins. On the opposite spectrum, vinegar is bitter and although it adds flavor it’s taste can be very sour. Vinegar is often counter balanced with honey to add a sweet and sour taste to certain dishes. In order to taste sweet, vinegar has to age more than 8 years. The older vinegar gets the texture changes from flowing like water to being thick and syrupy similar to that of honey!
My words being sweet like honey is truly something I am working on. I’m sure anyone reading this blog can recall a discussion with someone where your word choice and/or tone either got you what you desired or had the opposite effect of an argument where no one walked away happy.
Now back to my Mother’s Day story. This Mother’s Day I had it in my head that I wanted to be woken up and showered with affection, admiration and love…I didn’t tell anyone this (of course) but this is what I wanted.
Mistake #1: Don’t expect anyone to read your mind.
My husband (knowing that I am not a morning person) let me sleep. When I woke up and found out what I imagined didn’t happen I told my husband my thoughts as well as reminded him of the time, thought and effort I put into planning for his special days.
Mistake #2: Never compare what you do with that of what your husband does. Trust me it’s worthless and you are setting yourself up for years of resentment. He is not you and no matter how many times you remind him he will never perform a task the way you do.
After I finished getting dressed for church I came down the stairs to hear a beautiful song projecting from a new laptop that my husband purchased. Showing on the computer was a beautiful Power Point presentation with pictures of my daughter and I. He sweetly handed me a delicious smoothie and said “Happy Mother’s Day”. I cried and felt GUILTY. You see, I regretted my words from earlier! They were not sweet like honey!
When we got married my Aunt with her great wisdom gave us the best advice: “Be sweet to each other”. She is a bible reading and bible toting individual and she knows the value of honey! I on the other hand am still learning. After almost 10 years of marriage and many mistakes and blunders later (as you can see I am still adding to that list…smile), today I better understand what her advice truly means. When you love without hesitation, preconceived notions, suspicions, fear and baggage, you are free to be sweet as honey.
The words you choose can be sweet even if the situation is not going the way you desired. The words and approach you choose in a situation can be sweet and welcoming, calming and nurturing and most of all not demeaning. When you love with trust then you can be sweet as honey. Love should be pure and not tainted with the past, or with comparison. To be sweet you have to trust your partner with your feelings, you have to trust that your partner has your best interest at hand. You have to know and understand that that individual loves you in the best way that he or she can -- even if it’s different from the way you love. So if you truly desire to be sweet….put a little honey on it!
For you bible scholars, the bible mentions honey about 61 times. The Promise Land was described as being full of milk and honey. God words are also described as being like sweet honey and finally in the Songs of Solomon it talks about a woman and her words being like honey. After reading this I thought this honey must be some great stuff and as the saying goes: You catch more flies with honey… so I did a little research. Honey is smooth, naturally sweet and very fragrant. Honey is versatile it takes on the flavor of its environment. Whatever trees and /or flowers in the area that the bees feed on will flavor the honey with its essence. In biblical days honey was a commodity. Only the rich or well off had access to this priceless gift. Honey also is good for medicinal reasons such as allergies, antioxidants and vitamins. On the opposite spectrum, vinegar is bitter and although it adds flavor it’s taste can be very sour. Vinegar is often counter balanced with honey to add a sweet and sour taste to certain dishes. In order to taste sweet, vinegar has to age more than 8 years. The older vinegar gets the texture changes from flowing like water to being thick and syrupy similar to that of honey!
My words being sweet like honey is truly something I am working on. I’m sure anyone reading this blog can recall a discussion with someone where your word choice and/or tone either got you what you desired or had the opposite effect of an argument where no one walked away happy.
Now back to my Mother’s Day story. This Mother’s Day I had it in my head that I wanted to be woken up and showered with affection, admiration and love…I didn’t tell anyone this (of course) but this is what I wanted.
Mistake #1: Don’t expect anyone to read your mind.
My husband (knowing that I am not a morning person) let me sleep. When I woke up and found out what I imagined didn’t happen I told my husband my thoughts as well as reminded him of the time, thought and effort I put into planning for his special days.
Mistake #2: Never compare what you do with that of what your husband does. Trust me it’s worthless and you are setting yourself up for years of resentment. He is not you and no matter how many times you remind him he will never perform a task the way you do.
After I finished getting dressed for church I came down the stairs to hear a beautiful song projecting from a new laptop that my husband purchased. Showing on the computer was a beautiful Power Point presentation with pictures of my daughter and I. He sweetly handed me a delicious smoothie and said “Happy Mother’s Day”. I cried and felt GUILTY. You see, I regretted my words from earlier! They were not sweet like honey!
When we got married my Aunt with her great wisdom gave us the best advice: “Be sweet to each other”. She is a bible reading and bible toting individual and she knows the value of honey! I on the other hand am still learning. After almost 10 years of marriage and many mistakes and blunders later (as you can see I am still adding to that list…smile), today I better understand what her advice truly means. When you love without hesitation, preconceived notions, suspicions, fear and baggage, you are free to be sweet as honey.
The words you choose can be sweet even if the situation is not going the way you desired. The words and approach you choose in a situation can be sweet and welcoming, calming and nurturing and most of all not demeaning. When you love with trust then you can be sweet as honey. Love should be pure and not tainted with the past, or with comparison. To be sweet you have to trust your partner with your feelings, you have to trust that your partner has your best interest at hand. You have to know and understand that that individual loves you in the best way that he or she can -- even if it’s different from the way you love. So if you truly desire to be sweet….put a little honey on it!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder…
I know that we’ve all heard this saying before but the older I get the more I come to understand and appreciate it more..."beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I’m sure you can remember when you were younger (high school or college) and you would go out with your friends to a party. If you weren’t the friend then you had a friend that seemed to always come home with phone numbers or would always capture on-lookers attention. If you weren’t the friend that got the attention maybe you thought “why didn’t I get any phone numbers?” or “why did she/he get more attention than I did?” and finally “what’s wrong with me?”. At that age the only logical assumption that made sense had to be that you were just not attractive or at least not as attractive as your friend.
As I get older I understand that what we thought was rejection had nothing to do with your “cute factor” but more to do with what individuals are attracted too. People are like art or music…just because it’s beautiful to one person doesn’t mean that it will be beautiful or enjoyable to the next. The perception of beauty is not only expressed outwardly but inwardly. Have you ever been in a rush instead of taking 30 minutes to get ready all you had was 10...you throw on whatever's clean and not wrinkled? When you arrived at your destination so many people complimented you that it made you wonder what you were doing wrong on the days you actually devoted the time. Have you ever met someone that you were attracted to but the attraction was not reciprocated? I know you’ve seen a couple and thought…"now how did they end up together?". Well it all has to do with a person’s preference nothing to do with how attractive you are.
As most of my readers know I am a student of people. I love to watch people and learn more about the way they interact. The best places to people-watch for me are the gym and the mall. While huffing and puffing on my bike in my spin class yesterday I saw this very affectionate couple going to the racquetball room. They looked as if they were in their late to mid 50’s. The man passionately rubbed the woman’s back and they smiled and talked as they walked toward the rooms. I’m sure you’ve seen couples like this before but the interesting thing about this couple was that the woman was so tanned that her blonde hair seemed to glow along side of her burnt orange skin. I thought… wow that tan is not normal but obviously he thought she looked like God’s gift.
After I exited what seemed like a forever cycling class I was gently nudged to extend my hour long workout by my workout partner. Not being a lover of the gym I hesitantly agreed. As I walked towards the dreaded leg machines I ran into a woman who unlike me obviously loves to be in the gym. Her biceps perturbed from under her tank top like rockets waiting to be launched from a ship. Her face was chiseled like a runway male model on the cat walk! My workout partner replied “wow she looks like a man!” As the women curled the dumbbell and smiled at her self in the mirror she on the other hand was obviously very pleased with her muscle toned body. I even thought aloud “how do you get guns like that”?
At my job I work with a group of ladies. When I first moved to this group it amazed me how they were so open with discussing their weight and fashion. It’s almost a daily topic. They talk openly about how much weight they’ve lost or gained and what new program they are trying to either help them maintain or lose weight. For a woman that hates to talk about her weight this situation was very uncomfortable. Over time I’ve adjusted and learned to even comment on occasion to the dreaded weight talks. In my eyes one of my teammates is very petite, but in her eyes she is not. She diets, exercises and watches what she eats religiously. She weighs herself every morning to ensure that she is maintaining her current weight. I truly admire her dedication and will power! Just this past week she made a comment about her “da-dunk-da-dunk” and I told her she needs to get rid of the “fun house” mirror in her house because obviously it has her vision skewed. We all laughed but this and all the other situations mentioned further justifies that beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. What we see is not always what others see. To take this a little bit further beauty is not just skin deep but also mental, your inner perception of yourself also perpetuates outwardly through what some call an “aura”. You honestly give something off that without words speaks volumes!
So with all that being said… Put your beauty back in the Beholder’s hand because He created you uniquely beautiful. Remember it’s not what others think about you but what you think of yourself…so make it positive because without words your body is talking! There is no one like you! There will never be anyone like you! Even identical twins have different qualities that make them special and unique. Trust me on this one…two of my closet friends are identical twins. I enjoy and love their differences as well as their similarities. So embrace your uniqueness and know that there is someone out there that will love and appreciate your beauty as much as the one that created you in His likeness!
As I get older I understand that what we thought was rejection had nothing to do with your “cute factor” but more to do with what individuals are attracted too. People are like art or music…just because it’s beautiful to one person doesn’t mean that it will be beautiful or enjoyable to the next. The perception of beauty is not only expressed outwardly but inwardly. Have you ever been in a rush instead of taking 30 minutes to get ready all you had was 10...you throw on whatever's clean and not wrinkled? When you arrived at your destination so many people complimented you that it made you wonder what you were doing wrong on the days you actually devoted the time. Have you ever met someone that you were attracted to but the attraction was not reciprocated? I know you’ve seen a couple and thought…"now how did they end up together?". Well it all has to do with a person’s preference nothing to do with how attractive you are.
As most of my readers know I am a student of people. I love to watch people and learn more about the way they interact. The best places to people-watch for me are the gym and the mall. While huffing and puffing on my bike in my spin class yesterday I saw this very affectionate couple going to the racquetball room. They looked as if they were in their late to mid 50’s. The man passionately rubbed the woman’s back and they smiled and talked as they walked toward the rooms. I’m sure you’ve seen couples like this before but the interesting thing about this couple was that the woman was so tanned that her blonde hair seemed to glow along side of her burnt orange skin. I thought… wow that tan is not normal but obviously he thought she looked like God’s gift.
After I exited what seemed like a forever cycling class I was gently nudged to extend my hour long workout by my workout partner. Not being a lover of the gym I hesitantly agreed. As I walked towards the dreaded leg machines I ran into a woman who unlike me obviously loves to be in the gym. Her biceps perturbed from under her tank top like rockets waiting to be launched from a ship. Her face was chiseled like a runway male model on the cat walk! My workout partner replied “wow she looks like a man!” As the women curled the dumbbell and smiled at her self in the mirror she on the other hand was obviously very pleased with her muscle toned body. I even thought aloud “how do you get guns like that”?
At my job I work with a group of ladies. When I first moved to this group it amazed me how they were so open with discussing their weight and fashion. It’s almost a daily topic. They talk openly about how much weight they’ve lost or gained and what new program they are trying to either help them maintain or lose weight. For a woman that hates to talk about her weight this situation was very uncomfortable. Over time I’ve adjusted and learned to even comment on occasion to the dreaded weight talks. In my eyes one of my teammates is very petite, but in her eyes she is not. She diets, exercises and watches what she eats religiously. She weighs herself every morning to ensure that she is maintaining her current weight. I truly admire her dedication and will power! Just this past week she made a comment about her “da-dunk-da-dunk” and I told her she needs to get rid of the “fun house” mirror in her house because obviously it has her vision skewed. We all laughed but this and all the other situations mentioned further justifies that beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. What we see is not always what others see. To take this a little bit further beauty is not just skin deep but also mental, your inner perception of yourself also perpetuates outwardly through what some call an “aura”. You honestly give something off that without words speaks volumes!
So with all that being said… Put your beauty back in the Beholder’s hand because He created you uniquely beautiful. Remember it’s not what others think about you but what you think of yourself…so make it positive because without words your body is talking! There is no one like you! There will never be anyone like you! Even identical twins have different qualities that make them special and unique. Trust me on this one…two of my closet friends are identical twins. I enjoy and love their differences as well as their similarities. So embrace your uniqueness and know that there is someone out there that will love and appreciate your beauty as much as the one that created you in His likeness!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Plan for the marriage and not just the wedding!
Today I received a wonderful article by Jim Evans comparing marriage to buying and or renting a house. I know you’re thinking “marriage and buying /renting a house…what do those two things have to do with each other?” The article stated that most renter’s mentalities reflect temporary occupancy. They don’t plan on being in the house long so there is no real investment in the property. Buyers on the other hand usually have long term mentalities. They may invest in the property and even make upgrades which will increase the home’s value.
The current divorce rate is well over 50% which indicates that the majority of individuals entering into marriage do not have an “owners” mentality but that of a “renter”. For most, when the marriage isn’t working, divorce seems to be THE option but a true owner will know that the commitment is binding through the good and bad times. Owners also regard their spouses as “co-owners” and not the “landlord’ as in a renter’s situation. When a problem arises in an “owners” situation both parties roll up their sleeves to work on the problem. In a renters situation the renter looks to the landlord to fix the problems thus passing the blame to one individual without assessing themselves.
Anytime anyone asks me about marriage I always call it “a labor of love” because it is work and nine times out of ten it’s hard work! Anytime you bring two imperfect people together in a perfect union someone is going to rock the boat. Those marriages that survive the storm include the individuals that have an owner’s mentality. ..“the better or worse” kind of people. They know the value of their investment. Those that view their marriage as an investment will put in the necessary work into the relationship to reap the long term benefits.
Most people get married without a clue of what they will experience. Most views of marriage are clouded with the marriage of their parents. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) you are not your parents. Some views are also skewed because they believe that marriage is the extended arm of dating, sorry to say this--but it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times have I heard (and said) “when we were dating he use to/she use to…”. For most when the words “I do” are exchanged-- the relationship changes. For most of us it is natural to go above and beyond when we are securing a relationship then it is once we know that relationship is secure (not saying it’s right but it happens).
Most also have a fairytale view of marriage, especially the first few months or the “honeymoon stage”. The reality is the first few months and even years can be the most difficult. Most divorces occur within the first few years of marriages, but be encouraged because with a little ‘sweat equity and devotion’ most homes render a good return on the investment and so is the same with marriages. A house built on a stack of cards will not stand and neither will a marriage. Work and maintenance is required for survival.
Finally, when asked for advice about marriage I always say the same thing: plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. If you’ve had a wedding ceremony you can reflect on the time you invested in choosing the colors, invitations, location, food, flowers and a host of other items needed to have a successful ceremony. A lot of time and money goes into making a beautiful, memorable event. If that same energy and time are devoted to the marriage then you may have a relationship that will withstand the test of time! As my mother use to say…”anything worth having is worth fighting for”!
The current divorce rate is well over 50% which indicates that the majority of individuals entering into marriage do not have an “owners” mentality but that of a “renter”. For most, when the marriage isn’t working, divorce seems to be THE option but a true owner will know that the commitment is binding through the good and bad times. Owners also regard their spouses as “co-owners” and not the “landlord’ as in a renter’s situation. When a problem arises in an “owners” situation both parties roll up their sleeves to work on the problem. In a renters situation the renter looks to the landlord to fix the problems thus passing the blame to one individual without assessing themselves.
Anytime anyone asks me about marriage I always call it “a labor of love” because it is work and nine times out of ten it’s hard work! Anytime you bring two imperfect people together in a perfect union someone is going to rock the boat. Those marriages that survive the storm include the individuals that have an owner’s mentality. ..“the better or worse” kind of people. They know the value of their investment. Those that view their marriage as an investment will put in the necessary work into the relationship to reap the long term benefits.
Most people get married without a clue of what they will experience. Most views of marriage are clouded with the marriage of their parents. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) you are not your parents. Some views are also skewed because they believe that marriage is the extended arm of dating, sorry to say this--but it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times have I heard (and said) “when we were dating he use to/she use to…”. For most when the words “I do” are exchanged-- the relationship changes. For most of us it is natural to go above and beyond when we are securing a relationship then it is once we know that relationship is secure (not saying it’s right but it happens).
Most also have a fairytale view of marriage, especially the first few months or the “honeymoon stage”. The reality is the first few months and even years can be the most difficult. Most divorces occur within the first few years of marriages, but be encouraged because with a little ‘sweat equity and devotion’ most homes render a good return on the investment and so is the same with marriages. A house built on a stack of cards will not stand and neither will a marriage. Work and maintenance is required for survival.
Finally, when asked for advice about marriage I always say the same thing: plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. If you’ve had a wedding ceremony you can reflect on the time you invested in choosing the colors, invitations, location, food, flowers and a host of other items needed to have a successful ceremony. A lot of time and money goes into making a beautiful, memorable event. If that same energy and time are devoted to the marriage then you may have a relationship that will withstand the test of time! As my mother use to say…”anything worth having is worth fighting for”!
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