Plan for the marriage and not just the wedding!

Today I received a wonderful article by Jim Evans comparing marriage to buying and or renting a house. I know you’re thinking “marriage and buying /renting a house…what do those two things have to do with each other?” The article stated that most renter’s mentalities reflect temporary occupancy. They don’t plan on being in the house long so there is no real investment in the property. Buyers on the other hand usually have long term mentalities. They may invest in the property and even make upgrades which will increase the home’s value.

The current divorce rate is well over 50% which indicates that the majority of individuals entering into marriage do not have an “owners” mentality but that of a “renter”. For most, when the marriage isn’t working, divorce seems to be THE option but a true owner will know that the commitment is binding through the good and bad times. Owners also regard their spouses as “co-owners” and not the “landlord’ as in a renter’s situation. When a problem arises in an “owners” situation both parties roll up their sleeves to work on the problem. In a renters situation the renter looks to the landlord to fix the problems thus passing the blame to one individual without assessing themselves.

Anytime anyone asks me about marriage I always call it “a labor of love” because it is work and nine times out of ten it’s hard work! Anytime you bring two imperfect people together in a perfect union someone is going to rock the boat. Those marriages that survive the storm include the individuals that have an owner’s mentality. ..“the better or worse” kind of people. They know the value of their investment. Those that view their marriage as an investment will put in the necessary work into the relationship to reap the long term benefits.

Most people get married without a clue of what they will experience. Most views of marriage are clouded with the marriage of their parents. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) you are not your parents. Some views are also skewed because they believe that marriage is the extended arm of dating, sorry to say this--but it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times have I heard (and said) “when we were dating he use to/she use to…”. For most when the words “I do” are exchanged-- the relationship changes. For most of us it is natural to go above and beyond when we are securing a relationship then it is once we know that relationship is secure (not saying it’s right but it happens).

Most also have a fairytale view of marriage, especially the first few months or the “honeymoon stage”. The reality is the first few months and even years can be the most difficult. Most divorces occur within the first few years of marriages, but be encouraged because with a little ‘sweat equity and devotion’ most homes render a good return on the investment and so is the same with marriages. A house built on a stack of cards will not stand and neither will a marriage. Work and maintenance is required for survival.

Finally, when asked for advice about marriage I always say the same thing: plan for the marriage and not just the wedding. If you’ve had a wedding ceremony you can reflect on the time you invested in choosing the colors, invitations, location, food, flowers and a host of other items needed to have a successful ceremony. A lot of time and money goes into making a beautiful, memorable event. If that same energy and time are devoted to the marriage then you may have a relationship that will withstand the test of time! As my mother use to say…”anything worth having is worth fighting for”!